Beverly's Goodbye Message: Well, Gang, this is it. The crew is going in to strike the set, and I can't bear the sight of it, so I'm going to write a quick message and get out of here. I can't believe this is the last note I'll ever post here! I just want to say that even though the show's over and we're all going our separate ways, I hope that we can keep in touch. This site will be here for a while (I paid Digital Crunchybear for a year's service in advance, and they don't give refunds), so if you ever want to cyber-walk down memory lane, feel free! Bye, everybody! Larry's Page Hi, Beverly here. Dr. Reisman, Larry's therapist, has written a new book about treating celebrity patients. I guess Larry wants to confront his guilt about past relationships, so he decided to post some sections of the book that he felt would help others, as well as himself. This is a very brave move by Larry, and we all should support him and applaud his decision to be honest. Just remember that the names have been changed to protect those with high-powered lawyers. LOVE ON LABREA or THE PHENOMENON OF CELEBRITY PSYCHOSEXUAL DYSFUNCTION From the Introduction There have always been those in society who have more. More wealth, more food, more lovers. Conversely, the opposite is true. But those "lesser people" aren't our gods and goddesses in the late twentieth century; they are the audience, and those higher beings are celebrities. What does it take to become "famous?" Some believe skill is essential. There are those who contend that an attractive physical appearance is the key. And there are still others who maintain that fame is ethereal, that true stardom is a spiritual gift from above. Personally, I think that this is all a load of horse shit. Stars aren't found in the night sky, they're on television. That's the key. If you're not on a sitcom, an hour-long drama or just after the news, you're nobody. Even film stars got their start on television. It all comes back to the magical little box in your living room that connects us to the rest of the world and actually improves our lives. Throughout this book I will be referring to case studies; different celebrity patients that I've treated over the years. In order to maintain confidentiality, I've created fake names to protect their anonymity. After all, some of them are quite famous. (I've made the fake names sound like the real names. For instance Madonna becomes "Damonna," David Duchovny becomes "Vadid Chudovny," and so on. It's pretty easy to figure out. It's fun to come up with the fake names when you're killing time, like when you're driving or waiting for someone to come to a point when they're talking.) From Chapter Ten: "Talk Show Host" I had seen "The Barry Dersands Show" many times on television before he walked into my beautiful office off of Wilshire. A gentle breeze cascaded through the lilting cotton shades as the shallow husk of a celebrity sat on my Italian leather couch and began a sordid tale of sexual needs--the tremendous number of women he had lain with over the years. Due to the sensitive nature of these trysts, I can only write about the really good ones. "Barry" had already been married twice, reunited with his first wife and had again split from her by the time he found his way to my shady glen. Like many of those poor souls caught in the web of Mother Thespis, "Barry" was an insecure child, desperately craving the approval of the world in order to make up for the absence of positive reinforcement from a distant father and an emotionally unstable mother (this is just my opinion, of course.) Years of stand-up comedy in dank mead houses that stank of piss only increased "Barry's" need for love. He initially found it with his first wife, but she prized her career above the relationship while "Barry" prized sleeping with the cocktail waitresses in the Green Room above the club. He loved her and she him, but infidelity is a cruel mistress and once Wife One saw her beloved in its clutches, she had no choice but to leave. Wife Two was more understanding of "Barry's" weaknesses and found that he would stay with her as long as she could tolerate his flourishing comedy career. It is here that another piece of this deranged puzzle enters the theater: "Barry's" sidekick "Nick." "Nick" is the worst kind of friend. He would regularly offer a menu of whores and narcotics to his best friend "Barry," perpetually providing the opportunity for failure. (Years after "Barry" and Wife Two divorced, "Nick" and Wife Two bedded down one night like two mongrel dogs in heat. Can you believe it? Some friend.) As is often the way with these Hollywood marriages, Wife Two left "Barry" due to his career taking precedence over the relationship. It is at this point that the recurring theme of Fear of Intimacy raises its horrible, multi-tentacled head. "Barry" constantly chooses career over love, casual sex over love, ANYTHING over love, so long as he can avoid the true joy of emotional intimacy. Does he trust these women? No, for he cannot trust them until he trusts himself. And "Barry"--poor "Barry"--doesn't trust anything other than the love he gets when he hears the roaring laughter of the audience. I mean, it's not like the laughs that Leno gets, or even Letterman. Those gentlemen are entertainers par excellence. But then again, "Barry's" better than Sinbad. Jesus, have you seen that show? It's like my dog took a steamy dump and they put it on television. But I digress.... "Barry" has dated so many women from his show, both guests and staffers, that I could hardly keep track of who he was dating and whose calls he was forwarding to his assistant's voice mail (He slept with her, too.) The highlight for me was a certain superstar, let's call her "Ronash Enots." You know, the one in that movie where, she crosses her legs and lo and behold, she forgot to wear her underbriefs! My God, I love that scene. Anyway, "Barry" and "Ronash" were quite an item for a few weeks. He had a hard time putting up with all of the fame and press she gained from sporting her pelvis on screen. It's interesting that when the roles were reversed "Barry" couldn't tolerate being the neglected partner in the relationship and still he could not learn a simple lesson: only date other stars as equally famous as you. It's quite simple. Look at "Emid Oorem" and "Rubec Sliwil." They have a lasting relationship, they're both tremendous stars (I.G. JEAN and DEI RAHD), and their collective box office is simply astonishing. I'm sure they could buy Peru if they wanted to. The relationship between "Barry" and "Ronash" fared no better than the ones he tried with "Annesore" and "Lenle EdSenereg." They all ended when the ladies realized that "Barry" couldn't love them. And he couldn't love them because he doesn't love himself. It's quite simple, really. You'd think he'd have figured it out by now. Sometimes I'll sit there and listen to him go on and on, whining about some network executive or how his frozen yogurt was melted and I'll just want to get up and slap some common sense into that fat head of his. How good would that feel? Very good, I assure you. People often underestimate the value of a good slap in the head. If someone slapped you in the head, you'd shut your yap and listen up, wouldn't you? Well, not "Barry." He's so self-centered that he'd think it was my fault that I hit him. It's all about "Barry." You know, I asked him to pass this tremendous script I've written to Patrick Swayze and he looked at me as though I had asked him to hold my hand while I urinated. It's a great script. I'd been working on it when I needed a break from this freaking book and I think it's quite good. It all centers on a mercenary from the future named "Cord." He has a cybernetic dog and a rocket, but that's all changeable, depending on how it goes at the pitch meetings. Anyway, Patrick needs a hit right about now and I believe that "Cord" is just the ticket to bring the beloved star of FATHERHOOD back into the local Cineplex, yes? Sweet Lord, I hope so. Hank's page "What's this?" you're asking yourself. Well, friends, fear not. There's only one Hank Kingsley, but so many different sides. Yes, sides. For the time being, you can "link" to my fan site, The Kingsley Queens. But your old buddy Hank is so taken with the fine work by our friends over at Digital Crunchybear that I've commissioned an original "Hank Page" from them that should be up and running real soon, right after they get their heads our of their asses and get to work. Hey Now! Artie's Page Memorandum To: The Staff From: Arthur Date: March 10, 1998 Re: Saving Your Sorry Selves From Unemployment Congratulations to all of you on your recent LOTTERY Jackpot win. Oh, you didn't? Please excuse me. My mistake. It was the only reason I could come up with to explain why lately you've all been behaving as if you don't need your current jobs. But, as this apparently is not the case, you may want to consider the following: In case you hadn't noticed, caballeros y caballeras, we are being squeezed by the Network tighter than Lainie Kazan's keester in a pair of lycra cha-cha pants. We're competing in the late-night talk-show Olympics, boys and girls, and Larry is our Tara Lipinski. He can't triple-toe-loop his way to ratings gold when his staff is behaving like the goddamned men's hockey team--and I intend to do something about it. For example, the next time I find a freshly-discarded Trojan in the copy room, I'm sending it out for DNA testing and then returning it to its owner along with a pink slip. I'll try to see if Accounting can have it ribbed for your pleasure. I suggest you all take a quiet moment to reexamine your motives for originally coming to work for Larry--it may help to jog your memory to take a gander at your most recent credit card statements. Once you do, I'm sure you'll see the need to cut out the happy horseshit and get to back to work. memo 2 Memorandum To: The Staff From: Arthur Date: March 16, 1998 Re: Backstage Visitors Consider this official notice that from this moment on, all backstage visitors must be cleared--in advance--through me. I don't care if they're here to bring you your license plates, a Chinese black-market kidney, or the director's cut of Pamela and Tommy Lee's honeymoon video. I don't want anyone in the hallways who isn't either a network weasel, a guest, or someone I can fire. This goes double for staff impersonators: when I see a pair of Larry-Sanders-Show-paid-for pants stooped in front of the vending machines, they'd better have a Larry-Sanders-Show-paid-for heinie in them. (Note to Brian: please read that last sentence to Hank twice.) If we'd wanted a clone on the show, we'd have booked that damned limey sheep. memo 3 To: The Staff From: Arthur Date: March 23, 1998 Re:The Beans that Have Been Spilled Well, kiddoes, as you can see from the heading, the topic of this memo is Larry's announcement that when his contract expires in eight weeks he will not be returning to the show. I'm sure you're all wondering what this means for your future. Good question. And if Dionne and her merry band of psychic shysters weren't in Chapter 11, maybe I could answer it for you. I can, however, tell you this: if there's one thing I've learned from working many, many years in this business it's that it's possible to work many, many years in this business. Setbacks are to be expected, but if you're a tough bastard (ladies, I mean that term to include you, too) you'll make it through. For the next eight weeks I expect each and every one of you to give the show 100% of your attention and efforts, mostly because I'm curious to see what that would be like. Without Network buttinsky-ism to contend with, your task will be much easier. If I may wax Melvillian: we'll no longer have to worry that the Network Ahab is out to shove a harpoon into our collective Moby Dick (again, ladies, that's inclusive). So. Let's all get on the stick, my fellow Larry-philes, and make these next eight weeks a late-night couch potato's wet dream. We have a great show, and after all these years I have but one regret: that on the first day I met him I didn't slip Kenny Mitchell a Rohypnol-laced Perrier, shave his head and dump him on a bus to Omaha. C'est la vie. memo 4 To: The Staff CC: Jon Stewart From: Arthur Date: APRIL 20, 1998 Re: CRAP CONTROL I've got to hand it to you. That was some show you kids put on yesterday. I haven't experienced such a confluence of inanities since I sat in on a pitch meeting for HOWARD THE DUCK. You might be interested to learn that, in the wake of yesterday's proceedings, Jason Alexander has vowed never to appear on this network again, and Wu Tang Clan is writing a little ditty about our show they're going to call "Heads Up They Asses." In light of these developments I feel compelled to clarify something. And while I'd like to communicate on a level comprehensible by all, I'm not personally fluent in Teletubby, so late-twentieth-century English will have to suffice. Here goes: The next time any of you attempts to circumvent me to get a sketch on the air I'll can your ass and see to it your next gig is writing--or guest-hosting--for the animatronic mice at Chuck E. Cheese's. ALL sketch material is subject to Larry's, the network's and my approval. If we say it's not suitable to air, you say, "OK." Oh--and if you think I'm curtailing your First Amendment rights and you want to call the ACLU, please feel free to use my phone. Nadine Strossen's personal number is on my speed dial. Be sure to send her my love, and tell her I'll bring her swimsuit with me the next time I'm in New York. A cheery "Eh-oh" to one and all. memo 5 To: The Staff From: Arthur Date: APRIL 28, 1998 Re: Beverly's Blessed Event Well, boys and girls, the cat is out of the bag about the bun that's in the oven. As you are all aware, our beloved Beverly is in a state of zygotic enhancement. I hereby officially say to Beverly, "Congratulations," and to everyone else, "If you don't cut her some slack you will find yourself up the Rio Ca-Ca without a paddle." My own experience notwithstanding, parenthood is the toughest job you'll ever love. Or be unable to get out of without a good lawyer. (Just kidding.) The tradition of the Love Child is deeply rooted in the show business community and Larry and I want everyone to know that we're behind Beverly 100 percent. In fact, Larry has decided to throw Beverly a baby shower that will make all others look like mere sprinklings in comparison. As soon as you've made the arrangements, Beverly, let us know and we'll be there with bells on. (Joshing again!) Brian, get right on it, will you? And don't hire those freaks who put together Madonna's shower--the anatomically correct cake design put me off my feed for a week. All right, then, let's get back to laboring and deliver some fine, bouncing television merriment! memo 6 To: The Staff From: Arthur Date: MAY 15, 1998 Re: NO SIGHTINGS FOR SANDERS I thought I was as clear as watered down whiskey when I informed you that I was to be notified in advance of all backstage visitors. (See memo of March 16, scintillatingly titled "Backstage Visitors.") Imagine the surprise and profound sense of Déja-screwup I experienced this morning when I arrived in the office to be greeted by none other than Tim White and his investigative team from "Sightings." Apparently someone here tipped them off that we were being haunted by the restless spirit of the dearly departed Sid, and despite my best efforts they would not believe my protestations to the contrary. (Something about my aura indicating I was misleading them.) I only succeeded in getting them out of the building by telling them that the geranium patch by the parking lot had a crop circle with a mutilated cow in it. (So much for the accuracy of the aural polygraph.) I don't know who called the "Sightings" people -- being professional journalists of the highest ethical standards they would not reveal their source. It is obvious, however, that someone is experiencing some profound anxiety over Sid's passing. While I sympathize, let me assure you there are NO supernatural shenanigans going on here. Each phenomenon Tim reported to me has a simple, logical explanation. To wit: 1. The mysterious "cold spots" in the Writers Room are the result of Maintenance removing a "Larry Sanders" T-shirt and a Chia Pet from the air conditioning duct, thereby allowing more cold air into the room. (Putting crap in the AC ducts is perhaps a fit subject for a future memo.) 2. The overpowering aroma of magic markers in the pantry was caused by an intern microwaving a burrito into which he had absent-mindedly inserted his pen. (Note to Beverly: is that kid really Spielberg's nephew?) 3. The "ectoplasm" on the floor of the soundstage can be traced to a recently-hired grip who unfortunately doesn't carry a handkerchief. Apparently he came to us from "Walker, Texas Ranger" and over there they all blow their noses like that. I took it upon myself to enlighten him as to the accepted Larry Sanders style of nasal evacuation, and he's assured me it won't happen again. So there you have it. Sid, God rest his soul, is not walking the halls. But I am. And I'd appreciate it if I did not have any more encounters like this morning's. Phil's page NOTE TO SELF: RECATEGORIZE MATERIAL EVERY TWO MONTHS. THIS'LL KEEP LARRY FROM RECOGNIZING JOKES HE'S ALREADY SEEN. AND AWAY WE GO... TABLE OF CONTENTS THE MERMAID SKETCHES HANK'S ROASTMASTER COMEBACKS MONOLOGUE MATERIAL LARRY'S JOKE KIT HANK'S HOT POTATO INTRO "THE MERMAID SKETCH" INTRO AND NOW IT'S TIME FOR ANOTHER EPISODE OF "THE SAILOR AND THE MERMAID." TONIGHT, THE SAILOR VISITS HIS FIN-LAWS. HANK IS DRESSED AS A MERMAID. LARRY IS DRESSED AS A SAILOR. HE ARRIVES HOME FROM WORK TO FIND HANK ON THE COUCH WITH THE REMOTE. THE PLACE IS A MESS. LARRY HI, HONEY. I'M HOME. HANK CONTINUES TO CHANGE CHANNELS. HANK HI. LARRY LISTEN, I DON'T WANT TO COMPLAIN BUT ARE YOU EVER GOING TO CLEAN THIS PLACE UP? HANK WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO? I DON'T HAVE LEGS. AND YOU'RE THE ONE WHO JUST HAD TO LIVE ON LAND. LARRY I'M JUST CONFUSED. I MEAN, IN "SPLASH" THAT MERMAID COULD GROW LEGS WHENEVER SHE NEEDED THEM. HANK THAT WAS A MOVIE. THIS IS REAL LIFE. BY THE WAY, MY MOTHER CALLED. SHE WANTS TO KNOW WHEN WE'RE GOING TO COME AND VISIT. LARRY OH, GREAT. NOW I'M GOING TO HAVE TO RENT ALL THAT SCUBA GEAR. AND SO ON. I'LL POLISH THIS LATER, BUT YOU CAN SEE WHERE IT'S GOING. MAYBE CAMEO AS MOTHER-IN-LAW? THE MERMAID SKETCH, VERSION 2 (ALEX AS MERMAID) HANK AND NOW IT'S TIME FOR ANOTHER EPISODE OF "THE SAILOR AND THE MERMAID." TONIGHT, THE MERMAID WILL BE PLAYED BY A LOVELY AND TALENTED LADY INSTEAD OF ME. IN THIS EPISODE, THE SAILOR VISITS HIS FIN-LAWS. ALEX IS LAYING IN THE TUB AND ON THE PHONE, A CONCH SHELL WITH A CORD ON IT. ALEX LOOK, YOU MARRIED AN OCTOPUS, WHAT DO YOU EXPECT? HE'S GOT EIGHT ARMS... NEXT TIME, JUST COVER YOUR BLOWHOLE. THERE IS A RUSTLING AT THE DOOR. ALEX (CONT'D) I THINK I HEAR THE OLD ANCHOR AND CHAIN, I GOTTA GO. LARRY ENTERS, DRESSED AS A SAILOR. LARRY HI, HONEY. I'M HOME! ALEX HI! LARRY I BROUGHT YOU A PRESENT. HE HANDS HER A HEART-SHAPED BOX. SHE OPENS IT. INSIDE ARE TWO FISH. ALEX OH, SEA'S CANDIES! LARRY I GOT YOUR FAVORITE. THE BASS CREAMS. ALEX HOW WAS YOUR TRIP? LARRY OH, THE USUAL. JONAH FROM THE ENGINE ROOM GOT EATEN BY A WHALE, FLETCHER CHRISTIAN TRIED TO LEAD A MUTINY, AND BOB BANGED HIS HEAD ON THE CROW'S NEST AGAIN. HOW HAVE THINGS BEEN HERE? ALEX WELL, THE FLOUNDERS ARE HAVING PROBLEMS AGAIN. LARRY OH GOD, WHAT IS WRONG WITH THOSE TWO? ALEX THEY JUST CAN'T SEE EYE TO EYE. LARRY FORTUNATELY, WE DON'T HAVE THAT PROBLEM. LARRY STARTS TO CUDDLE UP TO HER. ALEX I'M SORRY, I'M JUST NOT IN THE MOOD. LARRY COME ON, HONEY, I'VE BEEN GONE FOR SIX MONTHS. DO YOU WANNA WATCH "SEA QUEST?" THAT ALWAYS GETS YOU HOT. ALEX LOOK, I LAID SOME EGGS IN THE SINK. GO FERTILIZE THEM IF YOU WANT. LARRY THAT'S NOT THE SAME. ALEX WE DON'T HAVE TIME RIGHT NOW. WE'RE GOING TO GO VISIT MY MOTHER. LARRY NOW I'M GOING TO HAVE TO RENT ALL THAT SCUBA GEAR. ALEX YOU DON'T LIKE MY MOTHER, DO YOU? LARRY NO, SHE'S ALWAYS CARPING AT ME. ALEX I KNOW. NOW, PICK ME UP. LARRY YOU KNOW, IN "SPLASH" THAT MERMAID COULD GROW LEGS WHENEVER SHE NEEDED THEM. ALEX THAT WAS A MOVIE. THIS IS REAL LIFE. LET'S GO. LARRY PICKS HER UP. ALEX (CONT'D) LISTEN, COULD YOU DO ME A FAVOR AND STOP WEARING SO MUCH OLD SPICE? THEY EXIT. HANK'S ROASTMASTER COMEBACKS THE RULE IS, NO MATTER WHAT THEY SAY, YOU ALWAYS COME BACK WITH A DICK-RELATED INSULT: "LOOKS LIKE SO-AND-SO TOOK HIS DICK OUT OF HIS ASS LONG ENOUGH TO SPEAK UP." "SPEAK UP--ONLY THE PEOPLE AT YOUR TABLE KNOW YOU'RE AN ASSHOLE." "I REMEMBER WHEN I HAD MY FIRST DRINK." "HEY, I DON'T COME DOWN TO YOUR JOB AND SLAP THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH WHILE YOU'RE TRYING TO WORK." MONOLOGUE MATERIAL I WAS SHOCKED TO SEE THAT THE TABLOIDS HAVE NOW LINKED ME SEXUALLY TO BOTH OF MY HANDS. IT'S BEEN DISCOVERED THAT CROP CIRCLES ARE CAUSED BY GOPHERS AND NOT ALIENS. THE GOPHERS ARE ALSO SUSPECTED OF KIDNAPPING FARMERS AND SUBJECTING THEM TO PAINFUL MEDICAL PROBES. MADONNA GAVE BIRTH TO A SIX-POUND, NINE-OUNCE BABY GIRL. ACTUALLY, IT WAS ONLY FIVE AND A HALF POUNDS WITHOUT THE BRASS TORPEDO BRA. A NEW REPORT SUGGESTS CRIMINALS COULD BE PUNISHED BY MAKING THE PRISON BARS HORIZONTAL SO THE PRISONERS FEEL FATTER. JACK KERVORKIAN ATTENDED HIS FORTY-FIRST SUICIDE RECENTLY. HE ANNOUNCED THAT THE FIFTIETH SUICIDE WILL RECEIVE A FREE TOTE BAG. POLICE IN LOS ANGELES FINALLY ARRESTED THE ENERGIZER BUNNY FOR RUNNING EVERY RED LIGHT HE'S SEEN SINCE 1989. IF YOU'RE AN ORTHODOX JEW, CAN YOU OPERATE A HAM RADIO? D.C. MAYOR MARION BARRY DRANK A BIG GLASS OF CITY WATER AT A PRESS CONFERENCE TO PROVE IT WAS SAFE. HE SAID THAT NEXT HE WOULD PERSONALLY GUARANTEE THE SAFETY OF THE CITY'S TAR HEROIN SUPPLY. BLACK GOLFER TIGER WOODS SAID THE KEY TO HIS SUCCESS IS THE FACT THAT IT'S JUST SO MUCH FUN TO HIT SOMETHING THAT WHITE, THAT HARD, THAT OFTEN. A TV STATION IN SEATTLE IS THE FIRST TO RUN PAID CONDOM ADS. THE STATION CLAIMS THEY GOT THEM FROM THEIR OLDER BROTHER. FOR THE FIRST TIME IN OVER A CENTURY, EIGHT BUFFALO WERE RELEASED INTO A WILDLIFE REFUGE IN IOWA. THE BUFFALO WERE RELEASED AND IMMEDIATELY SHOT BY A 105-YEAR-OLD COWBOY. THE LARRY SANDERS JOKE KIT LARRY I KNOW MANY OF YOU WATCH ME NIGHT AFTER NIGHT-- HANK I KNOW I DO, LARRY. LARRY HANK, WHY DON'T YOU SIT BACK AND SLEEP. MY POINT IS, WITH THE LARRY SANDERS JOKE KIT, YOU CAN WRITE JOKES THE SAME WAY I DO. SIMPLY BROWSE THROUGH ANY NEWSPAPER, AND YOU CAN EASILY CONSTRUCT A JOKE AS TIMELY AS TODAY'S HEADLINES. I'M READY WITH THE FLASH CARDS, HANK. LARRY TAKES OUT THE LARRY SANDERS JOKE KIT. HANKS OPENS A NEWSPAPER. HANK AND I'M READY WITH THE NEWSPAPER. LARRY OKAY, PICK ANY ITEM AT ALL. HANK HERE'S ONE. A RECENT SURVEY ON CRIME IN AMERICA SHOWS THAT-- LARRY PICKS UP A FLASH CARD AND READS. LARRY "THINGS ARE SO DANGEROUS"-- LARRY PICKS UP ANOTHER CARD. LARRY (CONT'D) "THAT YOU CAN BE SHOT"-- LARRY PICKS UP ANOTHER CARD. LARRY (CONT'D) "JUST BY PURCHASING"-- LARRY PICKS UP THE LAST CARD. LARRY (CONT'D) "A SNOOP DOGGY DOGG CD." SET UP AND FOLLOW THROUGH. SIMPLE, RIGHT? HANK'S HOT POTATO INTRO HANK I'M SURE THAT EVERYONE HERE LOVES THE OLD GAME "HOT POTATO," BUT I'LL BET YOU'RE GOING TO LIKE IT EVEN MORE WHEN I TELL YOU THAT I JUST PULLED THIS POTATO RIGHT OUT OF MY BIG FAT ASS. HERE, CATCH! AUDIENCE (SHOUTING IN UNISON) HEY NOW! HANK! GO FUCK YOURSELF! I'M ESPECIALLY PROUD OF THIS ONE. Beverly's Page Beverly's Journal I'm so excited to finally put my thoughts down on paper, or at least a hard drive. That was my first computer joke! I've been with Larry for almost nine years now and I've seen some things that'd make my pastor's hair turn white with shock. But I don't regret any of it. I think of Larry as more than my boss; he's a baby. No, I'm just kidding. He's my friend and I think he has the same respect for me. Anyways, enough of my rambling. As I look over these notes, I realize that this is really my personal journal and not just some documentation of guests and what Larry had for lunch. I guess that everyone here at the show is my family and I'm so happy to have lived with these people. November 13, 1996 Larry's really tense. Artie just told him that the network is grooming Jon Stewart to be the permanent guest host. Larry thinks that means they want Jon to take the show away from Larry. Can't say as I blame him. If I found out that the network was training Jon to go on frozen yogurt runs for Larry, I'd get pissy too. Hank just bought a car from Elvis Costello, thinking it would help him "get pussy." Honestly, sometimes I think I'm the only person in this office who doesn't cuss at the drop of a hat. Anyways, I saw the car leaking gasoline in the parking garage. Then Brian saw it catching on fire, so Hank's pretty angry with Elvis. Again, can't say as I blame him. Larry asked me if I thought David Duchovny was gay. I guess he invited Larry to spend the night at his beach house. Brian told me that Larry should just kiss David and worry about his machismo the next morning. I wouldn't mind kissing him either. November 20, 1996 This pisses me off. Hank "found" religion this past weekend--at a synagogue with a pretty rabbi, Susan Klein. He brought her to the show and took her on a tour, which is so unfair because Artie told me I couldn't bring my pastor to the show. Anyway, Hank started wearing his yarmulke during the show, which freaked out the network. Something about ratings. Hmm. I don't understand. I told Hank that finding his faith is an amazing gift and he shouldn't let anyone take that away from him. Then he tried to hit on me. What a toad. I hope Yahweh jumps out of Hank's ear and bites him on his second chin. Larry just got this great massage chair that Ricardo Montalban told him about when he was on the show last week, promoting some steam oven that he's doing infomercials for. He was supposed to get me one of them at cost, but he left as soon as the show was over. Oh, the chair. I'd been secretly "testing" it when Larry was out of the office until it shocked me so bad it felt like my ass was on fire. I'll never sit on pleather again. November 27, 1996 My mother is going to drive me crazy. After Larry got a bad review from this fool reporter, Mother called me at the office and was convinced that Larry was about to be canceled. "Pack your stuff and head over to THE JAY LENO HOUR, honey!" Honestly. Artie told her not to call again for a few days; God bless him. I could never say that to her, but she listens to Artie; I think she has a thing for him. Can you imagine Mother and Artie? November 28, 1996 This is unbelievable. Larry wanted me to send some nasty fax to that reviewer. It opened with the line "Dear Dumb Fuck." No way am I helping Larry carry out this schoolyard crap. He might as well leave a note in the guy's locker threatening to meet him at the bike racks after gym. Sally Field was on the show today. Larry was flirting with her, as he does with every woman on the show. After the taping was done he skipped his frozen yogurt and went straight to her dressing room, I guess to "talk." I haven't seen him do that since Sharon Stone was on the show, and you know how well that turned out. Larry'd better be careful. Sharon doesn't have any Oscars; Sally has two. December 11, 1996 This is what happened: Artie gave me the budget for the show. He and Larry were busy trying to figure out how to boost the ratings so we could take the show to Hawaii. So he gave me the budget to put in his desk. I accidentally looked at it, made a copy and showed it to Mary Lou. I shouldn't have trusted her; now everyone in the office has a copy and I'm responsible. Artie told me he knew what was up with the budget. I apologized profusely but he wouldn't hear any of it. He made me tell the staff and crew that we had to work through Christmas. Now everybody hates me. It's not fair. I've worked for Larry for a long time and I only make $5.00 and hour more than Brian, who's only been working for Hank for, like, three years. It's so unfair. Oh, and Larry slept with Ellen DeGeneres. December 19, 1996 Larry just hired a funny new writer. Her name is Wendy Traston and I'm really excited to finally see a woman writing for this show again. Unfortunately she works for Phil, who doesn't seem to think women are funny, so you know what this creep did? He didn't submit any of her jokes to Larry for the monologue, so I gave them to Larry. I was proud of myself when I first did it; I thought I was helping out someone who needed a hand. Pretty soon all of the writers are giving me their jokes to show to Larry. I should've seen it coming. Organized this neat system of different colored pieces of paper for each writer, but Artie caught me trying to show it to Larry. He carried the whole mess into the Writer's Room and chewed both Phil and Wendy out. But the monologue was great that night and now Phil respects Wendy. I can't say the same for Wendy, but then I can't say the same for me, either. January 8, 1997 Brian broke up with David, his boyfriend of a year and a half. Poor baby. Of course, it started affecting his work, so Hank, in a moment of unusual generosity, insisted on taking Brian out after the show to several gay bars. He wanted Brian to "get back on the horse." I thought it was a great idea until the next morning when their night on the town made Army Archerd's column in Variety. Brian said that Hank was terrified of losing his Florida Orange Juice endorsement because someone might think he's gay, so he's got Brian jumping through hoops setting up this date with a Hollywood bimbo. Her name's Rayneene; yeah, that's her real name, I'm sure. Paula has been training Mary Lou, the new booker, with mixed success. Mary Lou mean well, but she keeps making mistakes, like booking Nicollette Sheridan two nights in a row and giving Larry the wrong notes for the interview. I thought Paula was going to kill that girl. Thank God for Harvey Fierstein; he knew Rayneene used to be "Roger" and then invited Brian out after the show. See? Sometimes life does have a happy ending! January 15, 1997 Norman Litkey, Larry's publicist, did double duty for Larry. First, he arranged for a reporter from People Magazine to cover the story of Charlie, a wonderful little boy who was visiting the show thanks to the Make-a-Wish Foundation. Second, I guess he bumped Ben Stiller from People's "Top Ten Sexiest Men List," trying to make room for Larry. If only it were that simple. Artie assigned me the shit job, pardon my French, of keeping Charlie away from Larry because Larry can't handle being around sick people; I guess he gets too connected to them and then the show heads south. So I'm hauling this poor little boy around the building, showing him everything from the water cooler to Larry's parking space. Well, it all went to Hell in a handbasket when I left Charlie alone with Mary Lou for five minutes. The fool gave Charlie a cigar and let him smoke it. Honestly, sometimes I want to strangle that girl myself. So Charlie got sick during the taping of the show and had to be rushed to the Hospital. Normally I'd say this was unfortunate except for two things: it stopped Ben Stiller and Larry from killing each other once Ben found out what Larry had done. And Charlie, who turned out to be okay, made a second will. All's I'm saying is that I'm not taking care of him again. January 22, 1997 Angie Dickinson was booked on the show, which led Artie to ask Larry for a favor: don't leave him alone with her. Apparently Artie is "addicted" to her, unable to think rationally. I'm the same way with Eriq LaSalle. Larry tried to help, but not hard enough. Before you knew it Artie left the show for a week to be with Angie at her villa in Italy. Normally I don't know this much about Artie's life, but his leaving suddenly really shook up Larry. I was in the midst of setting up interviews for a new producer when Artie returned. Thank goodness. They tried to hide it from each other, but I could see what was going on. They really care about each other. January 29, 1997 Love must be in the air: Larry had dinner with Lori Loughlin and Phil started setting up fake auditions so he could meet actresses, starting with Jennette Robbins. Of course, "the best laid plans...." Money was stolen from Larry's wallet and he suspected Lori. Personally, I think she did it. I just don't trust anyone who works with kids that much. Phil, along with that creepy writer Keith who looks like a ghoul or something, got caught faking the auditions by Jennette's agent. Artie went ballistic on Phil, which isn't hard when you're dealing with Phil. I wish I could say that I had something to do with Phil and Keith getting caught. I was tempted, but I just gave them plenty of slack and sure enough, they hung themselves. I don't know what happened with Lori. John Stamos came around a couple of days later and he spoke to Larry. Next thing you know Bob Saget will be stopping by for cookies and a handjob. Oh, I can't believe I said that! February 5, 1997 This almost hurts too much to write about. I started getting gifts from a secret admirer. It was so exciting, thinking about some beautiful mystery man sending me candy and flowers and, whew! I thought it was James, a network executive with a cute...smile. Everyone agreed with me too. Larry decided to write a "tell-all" memoir and recruited me to help him. After interviewing former girlfriends like Dana Delany, the first proof of the book arrived. Larry read it and locked himself in the Grip Room. I tried to lure him out with frozen yogurt, but it didn't work. I guess he thought it was too self-absorbed, too ugly once he actually saw the whole thing in print. While I was luring out Larry, James came down to see what all the commotion was about. I told him I knew he was my admirer and he told me that he had no idea what I was talking about. I tried to get sympathy from Brian only to find out that he had been sending me all that shit. Goddamnit! I could've slapped that gold chain off of his neck until his head was shiny and wet. I don't even know what that means. Anyway, James saw how upset I was and asked me out. Hey, a date under duress is better than no date at all, you know what I mean? February 12, 1997 Paula got promoted to producer! Oh, I am so happy for her. She's been busting her tail here for almost as long as I have and this is what she's always wanted. Good for her. After the show, Larry fired Paula. I can't believe it, it's so unfair. She said that Artie was too threatened by her promotion and he freaked out. But then she said something about Larry asking her out. I don't know what that man is thinking. His affair with Darlene lasted about as long as my pedicure; I love Paula, but I can't see a relationship with her and Larry going any longer than that. February 13, 1997 Artie hired Paula back! I saw the whole thing happen. He came up to her, she frowned, they talked for five minutes and then everything was cool. He apologized for being paranoid; she apologized for trying too hard. Oh, it's so great to see this finally work out for her. Oh, my God. What about Larry? February 19, 1997 Larry's publicist Norman organized a roast to honor Larry with appearances by all of his friends, Dana Carvey, Bill Maher, Jon Stewart and Al Franken. It seemed like a good idea at the beginning. But child, I was there. I saw that train wreck they called a "roast." Everyone was making gay jokes and acting like they were five years old. It made me sad, watching Larry's agonized face as each of his friends made jokes about his mother and having sex with him. That's showbiz, I guess. February 26, 1997 Poor Larry. From bad to worse. He's been dating this actress, Alex. I didn't meet her until a few days ago, but she seemed awfully nice, like someone who'd make Larry happy. And then I guess she met this network sleazebag who lured her away from Larry using his position at the network to get her some auditions. And that's not even the worst of it: This same sleazebag is trying to replace Larry with Jon Stewart. Can you believe it? As though anyone would want to watch some young, funny guy like Jon Stewart. Hmm. I gotta reformat my resume. Well, that's all the magic from this season. Can't wait to see what Larry's going to come up with next year! I'll see you then. Beverly Marylou Monday My first day and gosh!, I couldn't believe I was talking to Tom HANKS! He really sounds just like he does in the movies. When I told him that (it's not like I did anything terrible, I just did an impression of "Stupid eeees as stupid duuus") Paula grabbed the phone from me and did the rest of the pre-interview. She acts like I'm so incompetent, but I think she just doesn't want me to find out how easy her job is. I mean, it's a lot of busywork, but it's not like you need to be a rocket scientist. HEY! I should have used that joke on Tom Hanks, he PLAYS a rocket scientist in that movie APOLLO 11. I crack myself up sometimes. Tuesday Well, okay, I admit it's kind of difficult to keep all the guests in order. They all do the same thing (star in movies, have television shows, release albums, then there're some of those wild cards who do odd things with their ear wax or bring incontinent animals on the show. I swear, Hank was giving that monkey a laxative before the show because he says the audience loves it when the animals shit and piss on Larry. I think Hank is kind of an asshole though). So big whoop, I booked Nicollette Sheridan twice in a row; it's not my fault, Paula wrote her name in for Tuesday, so how am I supposed to know when she's "obviously" made a careless mistake? She told me to do exactly as she says. This is already getting so stressful, it's like I can't do anything right. And why can't people just roll with it if things don't go as planned? It could've been fun to have Nicollette Sheridan on twice. Paula made fun of my idea to have the guests pretend that the information is wrong and I know that David Letterman doesn't do that. If he does, then good for him. I think it's funny! (next...) Wednesday Tim Conway was such a jerkoff at his pre-interview, I cried in the bathroom for 20 minutes. Sid the cue card guy found me (though just now it occurs to me as odd that he was in the women's bathroom); he told me not to worry about it, that Paula is not exactly popular among the staff and that he likes me much better. Also that when someone pisses him off (mostly Phil), he either scratches their car with his keys or puts laxatives in their drinks (is that all anyone does around here???) So when I went to apologize to Mr. Conway, I brought him a special Snapple. Hee hee! I felt bad for a minute and was having second thoughts about giving it to him, but then he yelled at me again and called me a stupid bitch so I hope he has a long drive home tonight with no rest stops. Stupid eees as stupid does. Hee hee! Thursday One of the grips asked me out but he's kind of old and has horsey teeth and he's a grip for crissakes. I think Beverly smokes pot in the copy room. I'll have to remember to ask her if it's okay to get high on my lunch break. Everyone else seems to. Paula acts like I'm not even her friend at work. I can't wait until she leaves. I can't believe I used to think she was so cool for having this job. I do NOT feel sorry for kissing her boyfriend at that bar last week and haha, I wasn't even that drunk. Friday I decided to go out with Jake (the grip). Beverly showed me how much he makes so I figured I'd at least give him a chance, he might not be a total loser. Maybe I should learn how to be a grip. I am too embarrassed to ask anyone else what a grip is after the response I received from Phil. Monday Well, I think things are going much better. I told Larry about how my mother has a crush on him and how I like to sit around with my friends and get loaded and watch the show and how it was always a dream for me to work on the show and he seemed genuinely flattered. When Artie cut me short and told me never to interrupt a meeting again I think Larry was disappointed. Since everyone but me had been invited to the meeting, I went into the bathroom and got high. Unfortunately I dropped my bowl in the toilet and when I was fishing around for it, Beverly came in and saw me and she thought I was throwing up. Now she won't believe me that I'm not bulimic and she keeps leaving flyers on my desk and urging me to "get help." She's very sweet, but I was so wasted I couldn't tell her what I was doing, I just laughed. I'll have to try not to smoke pot at work anymore. Of course it didn't help when I got the munchies later and was eating a bag of chocolate chip cookies. She came by and shook her head and said to be careful. Oh, geez. Tuesday Yuck. Jake was gross, we went to a crappy restaurant and he kept doing lewd things with his tongue and bragging about how much money he had, and I was grossed out by him after half an hour. He got very upset when I asked him to drive me home afterwards but I can't believe he really thought I would come back to his place. Then he started telling me how long it'd been since he'd gotten laid and started begging! When he offered me money I got out of his car and took a cab home. Oh god, Beverly was right. Wednesday They had this kid in today from the Make a Wish Foundation and he had Lumpus or Muscular Sclerosis or something and it freaked me out because I think my uncle died from that. Oh...no, wait. No, he didn't die from that, he divorced my aunt. Duh. Anyway, they all got mad at me AGAIN because I sat and helped the little bugger light his cigar. How was I supposed to know that Lumpus affects the lungs? So once again *I'm* the asshole because I'm trying to help the kid have a good time before he kicks the bucket. Ben Stiller almost got into a fist fight with Larry but I think he was drunk. Friday They hired Wendy for that writer's position which is cool since the only other woman here is Beverly. I mean, Beverly is very nice and all, but I can't exactly ask her to get high with me at lunchtime if you know what I mean. Wendy says that Phil is being a dick (no duh) and won't show her jokes to Larry. I mean, does it occur to her that maybe they're just not that good? No offense Wendy, but you're not exactly Janeane Garofalo.